You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
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