my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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