what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
