Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
