I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Randomize
