If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
