ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
did you just send me my own nude
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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