If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
