Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
