You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Randomize
