We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Randomize