sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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