K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
