omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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