Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
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