suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
