There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
