Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
