I'm jealous of your bromance
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
