Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
