peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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