whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?
be more specific...?
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
