it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
