Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
And then my night got REAL pukey
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
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