Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
