I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
He had a flex off with himself in the mirror but he thought it was someone else for at least 20minutes.
Randomize
