never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Randomize
