Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
