Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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