How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
