Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
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