My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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