You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
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