I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize