i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
