return my video game
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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