is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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