i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Randomize
