i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
Randomize
