i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
You made out with two different species that night
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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