I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
