Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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