thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I need some transition time from spring break.. can we day drink between classes this week?
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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