porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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