Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
