I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
