"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
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