As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
