3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Randomize
