my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
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