I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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