Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
