mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Randomize
