you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
