About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Randomize
