do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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