I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
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