As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
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