I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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