Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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