He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
