I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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