What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
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