Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
