we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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