Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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